Grieving is a very individual thing and no two people grieve exactly alike. No two people have exactly the same relationship with the person who passed away.  While the deceased may be a “difficult person” for one grieving friend or family member, someone else may have only pleasant memories. Sometimes after the death of a  person we’ve found difficult, there is almost a sense of relief that the difficult relationship is over. In addition, we may feel guilty because we’re relieved.

On the other hand, those who longed for a better relationship with the person who died, especially a parent, may grieve because they must face the fact that a better relationship will never happen. Others find themselves dealing with anger they never allowed themselves to experience—anger for things the person did or left undone. It may take a long process to forgive them even though they’re gone from this life.

 Over all, it’s very hard to predict how we will respond when a friend or family member dies. When my sister, Lucy, died, I didn’t expect to grieve a great deal because, although we’d been close during some seasons of our lives, we hadn’t been close for many years. Then we attended the Celebration of Life service for her and her former husband, Mark, and watched the video her son, Mike, put together. The picture featured on this blog, taken on Bud and Lulie’s wedding day, was in the video. As you can see, Lulie is looking up at Bud, her sparkling eyes filled with hopes and dreams. Each time I saw the picture, I was reminded of my sister’s expectations on that day.

By Thursday of the following week, I couldn’t stop thinking about that picture. I couldn’t stop thinking about how badly the relationship had ended, and I couldn’t overcome the sadness that engulfed me.

That afternoon I pressed speed dial to return a call from a friend who’d left me a message. Instead of reaching my friend, Jane, my nephew’s wife, Janice, (one person away from Jane on my speed dial) answered! When I got over my astonishment, I ended up telling her how I was feeling and why. She said, “I believe those two (Bud and Lulie) were brought together for a reason, no matter how it ended. And even if that reason was only to give us the three wonderful boys they produced, that was reason enough.”

There was nothing she could have said that would have resonated with me more. Janice knows how much I love my nephews and nothing would have convinced me more that, even though my sister’s hopes and dreams may not all have been fulfilled, the marriage was worthwhile. My sadness lifted and the sun seemed to shine brighter. We talked for an hour that brought much healing to my soul.

 This doesn’t mean I won’t have other sad days as our family walks through the loss of our first sibling, but the God of all Comfort, who can use even a malfunctioning speed dial to bring us comfort, will see me through. And maybe on another day, He’ll use me to comfort you.

Thank you, Father, for the amazing ways you minister to us when our grief is more than we can bear. Thank you for sending the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, who can bring beauty from ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning. Amen.

Photo: Mark and Lucy (Bud and Lulie) on their wedding day at Springs Mennonite Church.

7/27/21 When I looked for a blog to post on this Flashback Friday, this title caught my eye for obvious reasons. Our grieving after the death of our son is in its very early stages and may yet take many unexpected turns. For now, my new normal is finding myself in tears when I least expect it. Sobs overwhelmed me and I was unable to write Robb’s name on the calendar on July 15, the day of his celebration of life service, recognizing that it might be the last time I would write his name on our calendar.

My prayer list is made up of headings such as Family, Emotional Healing, Growth, etc. with the names of the people for whom I’m praying in that category. Tears fell again as I removed his name from various categories for which I’d been praying. Praying for Robb has been so much a part of my life that it’s hard to comprehend life without prayers for our son.

In the midst of my tears, I am comforted by the knowledge that, besides being in the presence of Jesus, Robb is also with “Grammy” (Donn’s Mom) whom he loved dearly, and his beloved Aunt Lulie (my sister Lucy) who, fondly referred to him years ago as her little lamb. My heart is beginning to comprehend that he has gone on to the Country where our true citizenship lies, if we are followers of Jesus, and that we will be reunited with him again. Thank you for praying for our family as we walk through the process of grieving a loss for which none of us were prepared.